So What Happened?

What happened to me during those many months in which I did not blog? And why didn't I bother?

Creativity Distracted: I began to despise the inner workings of my job, became manically depressed by it to the point of not going out etc. and eventually put in my two weeks, feeling underappreciated/undervalued/underestimated and sick of unrealistic demands placed on me.

Creativity Distracted: I found a wonderful man who is now my boyfriend and dotes on me even in my moodiest moments. I could go on.

Creativity Stifled (Obliterated): also Identity Lost: I began a job at a salon/spa.  It lasted six months. This is the prime reason I stopped blogging, photography-ing, art-ing, and in general enjoying life (I also stopped making money). Many employees fit in at this location but I did not, and it took me all six months to realize that my desired plan of advancement within the salon did not match the trajectory set for me by my bosses.  Etcetera.

Creativity Shocked Out of Existence: I got pregnant.

I am still pregnant. Now I am short two toxic working environments and have rediscovered who I am (seriously). I am no longer a workhorse harnessed to a grindstone day after day who doesn't question why and only hopes that one day it will stand out from the other workhorses and be promoted to pulling trains up mountains.

Perhaps I took that metaphor too far.

What I was doing was choosing to remain oppressed by my work environments. I followed the rules and hoped someday to be noticed and promoted to a higher, more admirable position.  There are two problems with this thought model: (1) By following the rules I blended in with everyone else and had no chance of standing out, and (2) the more admirable position I sought was not necessarily better than my original position, requiring just as much work and rule-following as before.

I have been between jobs for about one month now. Having realized the problems with my thought model, I now know what to seek in a future job. I choose to interview my employer carefully instead of begging for a position, any position.

I refuse to be attached to the grindstone of folding towels in hopes of cutting hair, or even attending copious classes and presenting many models only to be denied clients.  Such behavior leads in circles and in no way forward to open pastures of creativity and growth.

I didn't fit into the corporate wax center or the disorganized salon/spa because neither allowed for growth: no mistakes, no trying new things, no personalization, no wildness, no critical thinking, no star trek, no empathy, no mood swings, no listening - all critical parts of who I am.

Let's address boyfriend and pregnancy for one moment.  I'm somewhat, somewhat, over being distracted by these factors, but at one point they played a huge role in stifling my output.

Emotional stressors cause my brain to focus intensely on one thing and that only. Some people have the gift of channelling joys and sorrows into art. I do not have that gift.

You will hear more about my pregnancy in future posts, and probably my brilliant other, too.

Be sure to note that Significant Other is a creative genius. He often shows me up by being more productive than me (I mean, inspires me with his display of motivation). More importantly, he encourages all of my creative output, even my mediocre poetry (to some degree), while giving me grace when I cannot perform to my own standards.

So I say again, I'm back and better than ever.